the truth is, i’m not anything special. i’m nothing you haven’t seen before, and won’t see again. i don’t stand out in any kind of crowd, and i’ve never been the girl who made a guy do a double take. nothing i say or do will get stuck in your head, and i’m not the girl who you won’t be able to get off your mind. i’m really no more exciting than average, and you know what? i need to start learning to be okay with that, and so does everyone else.
i tried so hard to just ignore what you said.. to pretend like it just never came out of your mouth in the first place, and then when i realized i couldn’t, i at least tried to pretend like it didn’t and doesn’t bother me.. but the truth is, it does. i can’t act like it doesn’t effect me at all, because it really does. it hurts to hear it, it really just flat out SUCKS to hear it. but like usual, there’s nothing i can really do about it. i just have to sit back, and let it happen the way it always does.
i don’t understand how i’m not used to this by now. i wish i’d just get used to it and stop caring so damn much. maybe then i’d stop getting fucking hurt all the time.
sooner or later i’m going to accept the fact that i’m going to be alone forever.
on another note,
i had one of the best days i’ve had in almost six months today. i was actually genuinely happy today, it was really refreshing.
it was nice to actually be around people again, and to actually feel wanted by someone other than people who live thousands of miles away from me.
it was nice to socialize, talk about my problems and have people genuinely listen again.
it’s been a really long time since i had that. since i had friends, i guess.
i guess i’m kind of overwealmed to be honest. i have to urge to break down and cry right now but not really for any bad reasons.
maybe just because i’ve been without friends for so long, having them around today, was just different.
idk.
i wonder all the time what it’s like to have someone there to protect you. someone who will fight for you when they need to, or even when they don’t. i wonder how it feels to have someone worry about you when they’re not with you. i wish i knew what it felt like, to have someone even be over-protective of you. i wish i knew how it felt to know that anybody even really cares at all. i wish there was someone i could just simply be around, and feel safe with.
i’ve grown up always fending for myself, fighting my own battles, protecting myself, defending myself and the people around me.. but for once, i’d like to know what it feels like to have someone care so much, that they do a lot of that too.
i wish that when it came down to it, that i had someone to protect me when i couldn’t do it myself.
